Tiger Moms

Yesterday I got in touch with my former co-teacher at the hagwon (private academy) I most recently worked at in Seoul. I was curious about how my students were doing and how things were going at the school. They had just finished their end-of-the-year performance in which classes perform plays and dances for their parents. Honestly, I was a bit happy to have not been there for the preparation as practices are ridiculously strenuous on both the teachers and students. Children as young as 4 are forced to memorize lines and dance moves until they are learned perfectly. The end result is a grand one that acts as a showcase of the students' English skills that have developed over the year.

My co-teacher told me that she had been so angry after having preparing the script and choosing roles for the students when one of the grandmothers of a kid called complaining that her grandson had fewer lines than the narrator. Was this a surprise to me? Absolutely not. I had seen plenty of this type of behavior from parents- almost always the moms- over the years I taught in Korea. We used to joke about it in the office. Whenever a mom would call in making some crazy demand that her preschooler be tested more often or that her child be seated next to the teacher, my Korean co-workers would always roll their eyes and promise that they personally would never become a crazy Korean mom.

The fact is that Asian moms have been like this for some time now. They generally take a tough love approach to parenting, avoiding too much hugging or giving approval, demanding their child be the best of the best. When reading a news article today, I found that this has been a controversy in the American media lately over the release of a book on the subject and these particular moms have been branded. They go by, often self-proclaimed, the title "tiger moms."

I was surprised with my students' academic abilities from the moment I started teaching them. Instead of speaking to my 5 year old class (4 years Western age) in a slow, clear voice that I might have used at my previous school, I spoke to them in the same way I would talk to an American child of the same age. If they didn't understand a word I used, they would ask its meaning, and begin to use it later on in the day. I'd enter the classroom after lunch and while some students would be reading English children books effortlessly, others would be speaking the new phrases they learned in Chinese class. Still others would be drawing pictures with such artistic skill that even I couldn't produce anything close to what they were doing. "Damn," I often thought to myself. These kids were so far ahead of their Western counterparts.

From an early age, Korean children are pushed to be the very best in all that they do. My first graders often told me about their daily schedules: elementary school, English academy, math academy, taekwondo practice, and piano practice. By the time they get home, they eat dinner, do their homework, and it's off to bed. And that's just elementary school. The older they get, the more they are forced to study. I often saw high school kids sleeping on their books at Starbucks at 11PM on any given day. Study hall and tutoring classes go well into the late hours of the night, though the government has started to crack down on these private schools issuing fines. Fortunately for students, the Korean government has also finally put a halt to weekend schooling for all ages starting in March. Considering parents still force their children to attend private academies on the weekends, I don't think things will change too much.

It sounds rough. I know. But I have to admit that as a result of pushy parents and a society that demands education be a priority, Koreans are smart. They are artistic. They can sing and play instruments well. I envy them in a way. The country is also a lot safer than Western nations, as citizens learn early on how to function in society, work hard, and respect one another. As middle and high school students don't have time to be involved with drugs or alcohol, you don't see juvenile delinquents loitering around or pregnant teens or high school drop outs. I'm sure that they're there in small numbers, but you just don't see them. This is almost entirely a result of tiger parenting by Asian parents (in addition to some other aspects of Confucianism) and although Westerners may be hesitant to think that tough love results in anything good, they should come to Korea and see the exceptional traits of its citizens firsthand.

Tiger moms and Eastern style parenting are concepts that are common in Korean dramas, like "Secret Garden" and "Boys Before Flowers."

Yet, it's not always good. I also believe that children deserve to run around, be kids, and find themselves as individuals. So often Korean parents place emphasis on making their child fit in with a group that they ignore their child's individuality. I once had a student whose mother forced her to take traditional Korean dance and music lessons in addition to having private art, math, English, and Chinese lessons at home. When the child stated that she would rather take jazz dance lessons, her mother acted as if she didn't even hear her. This same mother (who I should mention was a former pageant queen) also often called her daughter hobac (pumpkin)- which is an insult meaning 'ugly' in Korea- and fat and made the daughter (who was 6, mind you) go on a diet. Occasionally, the daughter would act out, cry, or when studying, would pull out her eyebrow hairs if she became overwhelmed. A negative result of tiger parenting is that Korean children bottle up their feelings, unable to express themselves to their parents. This tends to carry on into their adulthood, as the Korean workplace demands long hours and top-notch performance. Korea may have very low crime rates, but their suicide rate is one of the highest in the world.

So, there are positive and negative aspects to Asian style parenting, as there are with Western parenting. However, Westerners would be smart to take on a bit of the tiger role when disciplining their kids instead of rejecting the concept of tough love all together. I've seen plenty of moms who try to be their kids' best friend and it never ends well. Sure, no system is perfect. Balance is key to anything in life and parenting is no different. As the world becomes more global, especially with economic powers transferring to the East, it'll be interesting to see if cultures will also combine.